a softness I pray for.

the more I become emotionally stable, the more I realise that my only measure of healing is to feel the tension consuming my insides melt with softness and ease. there is more of this sensation now, but I still cannot fathom how to get there. the only way I can truly find it is through surrender and the fading of all my doings.

the secret to healing is quite inscrutable, for it is a secret. everyone can letter out infinite ways to heal, but everyone has his/her unique path. mine is of softness. it is my innate power which I had glimpsed over and over again.

I had a conversation with a friend last evening and I found myself asking, ‘how does the healed Soraya look like?‘. I was baffled to hear her saying, ‘the healed Soraya will be powerful and soft.‘

it is true. I find myself most powerful when I melt into the softness of being carried by God’s light, my doing and toil fading, unrecognised as they float along the currents of surrender and letting go. I can feel more of it now. I have surrendered so much lately, but the weight of it, I still carry. the weight of the grief, uncertainty and longing for it to have been the right choice.

slowly, the weight of this thinking will drop. I’ll rest in ease knowing I have only responded to God’s signs and blessings. I trusted Him and trusted the feeling in my gut. I have chosen to sacrifice things to allow for myself to take the path of inner work, for there is nothing in this life I truly want but to break cycles and come undone, healed in vulnerability and receivership.

I feel I am learning how to receive. to softly accept the waves of His guidance. a part of me cannot believe that it is here, living a dream. it begs to be deserving of it and so I toil tirelessly to earn the right for embracing the gifts.

alas, that does not look like healing to me. I must try a newer way.

I see myself, a few years later. I see the confident, soft light in my eyes, gazing at the sun. I see myself around children who have learned the essence of being in service of humanity and righteousness. I see myself melting in humbleness, harnessing my power. I see myself moving on, carefully treading till every breath of mine is soaked with the vividness of a selfless intention. I see myself with a heart filled with love, at peace with the sacrifices she made and what she has let go for more and more cycles to break.

she is in touch with her wisdom, which may at times hurt inexorably. but she has learned the strength and the rewards of being in tune with the love of the universe, which is endlessly giving, even at times that we do not see.

oh God, I pray for softness. I pray that you soak me in reverent ease and lightness. how heavy I am with fear and doubt, with all the ‘should’s and ‘must’s binding me together. how heavy I am with responsibility and longing to be of your service. coat me in Your light so that I feel comforted of being in Your path.

I pray to never be alone with Your love.