the horizons of my doing.

احبب ما شئت فإنك مفارقه..

there is so much hesitation in this heart of mine. tiny little parabolas that alternate from fear to doubt. there is so much to comprehend and ponder upon before filling the heart with a worldly commitment. there is an ongoing comparison— is it for God, or is it for the temporary self?

sometimes I get too tired when I can’t make a decision. I isolate in despair, waiting for the heart to speak. sometimes my judgement is clouded from all the coping mechanisms I’ve endured and I fear, I don’t always see the truth.

recently, I reflected upon how I can’t seem to rely on temporariness to be alive. I do not trust people’s love, even if they claim that it’s infinite. there’s always loss lurking in the corner— I keep my space, always. I don’t get too close to loving eternally when I know that I can’t. perhaps I’ve made this mistake. I claimed infinite, unconditional love was my path. but as long as I’m here, it is not my choice. I cannot rely on myself toiling for a summit that cannot be reached.

I give it up, at least in this world. I realistically put everything where it belongs. otherworldly, unconditional love is not for this lifetime. so I choose a love that can be extended to something I’d see up there, in the heavens of truth.

I don’t want to suffer again. I don’t want to suffer the loss of what I know is infinite. my heart has been broken before and I refuse to break it that way again. it is too agonisingly painful to choose to want something for this world when it wasn’t made for it.

I choose the temporary only when the tip of the iceberg is not the whole picture. I make that kind of decision everyday— and it consumes me, especially so, when the sound of my intentions whispers that there’s nothing to do until the vision is clear, until the sea shows glimpses of the horizon that I may not reach, but it is deeply rooted where the journeying of my doing leads to— a truth.

that is the uniqueness of my path. my road-less-travelled-by: visualising a heaven on earth as much as I can. but if I cannot see where it leads, then I must cut the branch.

I cannot live selfishly.

I’m giving up now and letting go what doesn’t reach the horizon of truths I long for.