three weeks of therapy.

this week has been quite torrential in regards to therapy. lots of learning and the realisation that there is a lot to unlearn, too. I am just quite unsure of how to actually unlearn things I’ve known all my life.

I approach my therapist with a lot of questions every session and she can see that I am very self-aware. but I sometimes see this self-awareness as very destructive because it shows you the truth very fundamentally and it hurts a lot. it hurts when you see how broken or empty or shameful you are. many people just simply ignore it and go on with their day, but I carry on with a sense of dis-ease, waiting for it to be let go of.

here’s what I learned this week.

trusting our bodies.

lately, I can see that I usually have two voices in my head: the one of my mind which is usually very keen on me outdoing myself and doing well enough in life, and the other one belongs to my body, which is usually more relaxed and original.

therapy is teaching me to choose my body’s voice no matter how uncomfortable it feels. my body is a little extreme, honestly. sometimes it just wants to collapse on the bed and cry, and the other times I just want to exercise all day. it seldom wants to eat. it wants to learn. it wants to do so much. but then, it wants to do nothing until it heals itself.

my body is suffering a lot, honestly. it’s holding on to so much pain and repressed emotions. I can feel a number of contradicting emotions in one hour that is usually overwhelming, causing me to want to stay in bed until the wave passes.

my mind feels very nervous about resting and being kind to my body. I usually have an awful anxiety after any day of rest or self-kindness. it usually ends up with me overeating, trying to fill a hole inside myself that I cannot fill. but I’m getting there. it’s slowly clearing up.

grey, black and white.

something I learnt is how I am programmed to think in terms of black and white. I thought I was more objective than this, but it turns out that when making decisions, I want to do what’s right. unfortunately, there is little of right and wrong in this life, and it’s almost always a grey area to explore and reflect upon. life is subjective and centred around the experiencer, and my white could someone’s black.

one of my missions is to slowly think in colour instead of black and white. instead of catastrophising a bad day, I could mention the good and the bad intermingled. my bad days are also good, because they’re deprogramming my emotional repression. my IBS is good because it forces me to listen to my body and learn how to support it. it’s not all ruins.

I hope I learn how to bring grace to my mind to support this journey.

where the emptiness comes from.

now, one reason I actually binge eat or do any of my obsessive behaviour is because I feel deeply empty inside. I could be having that astounding day filled with achievements and only feel hollow by the end of the day. it bugs me a lot and I asked my therapist about it. after a series of revealing questions, I’d sadly learned that it’s because I was never validated or truly loved by my parents. therefore, success only brings me down since I do not have a comforting, loving voice to encourage me. it becomes an endless pit that needs some otherworldly love to be filled. and I cannot fill it on my own.

luckily, therapy will teach me reparenting strategies that would help me fill that hole inside of me and stop me from feeling empty and turning to coping mechanisms to feel comforted. but, it takes time. I have to keep telling myself that there will be numerous times that I’ll fail and I’ll feel awful afterwards.

and, there’s no turning back.

I cannot wait for this week. I am actually having rollercoasters and such challenigng moments. it was never meant to be linear and it’s supposed to feel like hell. I just pray for the miracle of ease and lightness. I need it the most these days.

your prayers. ❤