I swear.

panting, deep in despair, I swear that this sadness isn’t me. I swear that these thoughts never got hold of me. I swear that I never held on to my past that willingly. I swear I always wanted to move on and I never had it in me to quit. I swear that I was always looking for another mountain to climb. I swear I made a list of all the reasons there were to justify the injustice of time.

I swear that I’m good. I swear I don’t know hurt. I swear I can’t think of inflicting pain onto anyone without hurting myself. I swear my soul is the most palpable thing in me. I swear I believe in the beauty of all things. I swear I’m innocent. I swear I can love the most hateful of people. I can dig deep to know what’s worthy to see in all their pain. I swear I understand. I swear I can give excuses. I swear I can see goodness in the most fatal of poisons.

I swear the only thing I know is love.

But, I swear I can’t do it anymore. I swear I need time to heal. I swear I’m wounded and torn and tired and lost. I swear I’m grieiving how I’ve lost myself over and over again. I swear I’m reliving memories I have sworn to forget and move on from. I swear I need help. I swear I cannot bear being alone without breaking down.

I know I keep you away. I know I push everyone far. I wait until I’m good enough. I wait until there’s peace. there’s no way you’d like to see a glimpse of the wars in me.

I swear I need you more than anything. I need your embrace. I need your love. I need your care. I need you to be there when I’m too sad to function. I need you to push me to eat. I need you to stop me from sabotaging what I have. I swear I need you to help me hold on to the goodness of me, because I’ve forgotten what it is.

I’m afraid I’ve lost myself. I’m afraid I don’t know who I am on the other side. I am afraid that there will be only an abyss after this giant haze. I am afraid what made my life make sense was but a beast that is now dead. I am afraid I made myself up, and everything I dreamed of was but fictitious piece of art hung only for portrayal. it’s nothing real.

I am so afraid.

despite this fear, I swear I’m still dreaming. I’m still holding on to my heart. I’m still praying. still alive. still hoping there’s more to the memories of my life.

I swear I know I’ll be fine.